As a non-driver I put a lot of stock in the Gods of Public Transport. They have the ability to make or break my day. Depending on the outcome, they can be benevolent or capricious and sometimes even downright vengeful.

“The Gods of Public Transport were smiling on me today”

“I prayed to The Gods of Public Transport”

“I was at the mercy of The Gods of Public Transport”

These are all lines lifted straight from my diary. If I do have a spiritual life, it all seems pretty tied up with whether my bus comes on time or I make a smooth train connection.

My religious system is polytheistic but I have never thought to imagine the individual Gods. They’re just a hazy idea in the back of my mind, somehow responsible for the fact that I just missed that train (arghhh!!!) or the correct bus was there right when I reached my stop (ahhhhhh).

I suppose they would wear robes made of that carpet-like fabric that covers bus chairs and looks like a pub carpet that threw up its Froot Loops or an ayahuasca vision. They’d wear giant golden whistles around their neck and carry sceptres that unfolded into fluorescent flags. When they spoke, their voices would sound like a scratchy Public Address system. On 11.

Are these scribblings really ancient hieroglyphics or did they steal a pre-schoolers crayon drawing and weave it into a fabric design?